


my manz richie got heccin skadooshed

by Anonymous



Series: Eddie's lungs aren't the only thing that's long [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: M/M, Ouch, Richie is high, Spagheduardo is a milk carton, ambigious/open ending, crackfic, he was stabbed, me and my wife have regrets, on adrenaline, they're probably dead but we don't know, very obviously a crackfic, we don't stan strawberry milk here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22836160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: a crackfic where richie gets stabbed which should be angsty but we're idiots so sorry for this messthe title is what it was called in google docs please don't question it, it's very accurate.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Eddie's lungs aren't the only thing that's long [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783456
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15
Collections: Anonymous Fics





	my manz richie got heccin skadooshed

**Author's Note:**

> This is a wonderful crackfic that i wrote with my darling wife  
> it was going to be a serious richie angst oneshot but alas i had writers block and we are both chaotic hellspawns  
> and so this came to be  
> enjoy  
> or darren the lemon is coming for your skin

So Richie is having a Not Epic day. He has been stabbed. But that's fine, it's chill. He can't go to a doctor, this is america, the doctors will probably take his organs to give to cryptids if he so much as steps a foot in there. No it is not because he’s broke as all f u c k. 

He's gonna go home, get some paper or something and it'll be fine. The paper is to replace his organs of course, because there’s always the risk of running into a wild and/or feral doctor, especially when you have no apples and richmond virginia francis tozier, does not have any apples. 

So he gets up. 

And falls down. Because moving fucking hurt. "ouchies." 

He tries again and almost falls on his face once again and ‘oh fuck his glasses are broken now crunchy’ when a small creature pops up from out of nowhere, or possibly from behind the door. He's a bit Light headed and possibly high on adrenaline. From being stabbed. Oh right he was fucking stabbed. 

The creature makes a sound and Richie still doesn't know if he’s dead or high. 

"Richie???" 

Oh, providing he's not hallucinating, not a creature. Just a gay midget with asthma, because those exist and are probably made out of those wacky pasta noodles you eat with spleens. 

"... Why are you on the floor?" 

“Well you see…” he wheezes because he’s a whiny little bitch. Oh and he was stabbed. “Me and your mom went hella rough a few hours ago, guess i overexerted myself.” He grins then stops because that stab wound won't just dissipate because he lowkey expected it to. 

There is a disappointed silence. 

Wait where are they? He turns his head and does a double take, it seems who he thought was Eddie was actually just a milk carton on the floor. Damn. It's open too. Definitively hallucinating then. Pouring out all the milk. Oh gross it’s mixing with the blood. Ew it’s fucking pinkish and like, swirly, oh god it smells gross. Probably because he knocked it over. You know, when he was stabbed. 

"-Richie? RICH" oh great the milk is speaking again "why is there milk and blood all over the floor? " 

“Lmao strawberry milkshake” 

"are you actually high?".... Is he? 

“Your mom pulled a carrie, dude” 

"okay that's it, get up from the floor." that was literally the last thing he felt like doing. He's not gonna leave the floor just because some bottle of milk with Eddies voice thinks it can boss him around. 

“I can’t, pasta boy.” 

"yes you can." 

“Oh my god am I gonna get a motivational speech from a sentient milk carton of spaghet?” 

"a w h a t. That's it you need a doctor" OH FUCK NO, HE MAY BE STABBED BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE A DEATH WISH. 

“Please mr milk carton, they’ll take my organs and feed them to the space egg.” Then he was flying. Or somebody was lifting him up. Did the milk grow arms now ? Felt pretty good anyw- oh wait 

"ouch fuck fuck fUCK-" then he was back on the floor. 

"Ohh my god are you oka-" 

“Noodle milk why would you do this, y’all know i was glued to the floor by a flood of melted cherry jolly ranchers, ow my skiiiiiiiiiin” 

"that's a stab wound.Ooh my fucking fuck.Who did this??? How much blood have you lost??? " 

“Threety two” 

"I'm calling an ambulance. All the ambulance. Every single one ." 

“I TREASURE MY ORGANS YOU MILKY ASS CARDBOARD BITCH” 

"Richie, look up at me. I, am here. I am not, in an empty milk carton. I need you to answer who the fucking hell stabbed you." So those words kinda blurred together but he did gather looking up being in there somewhere. Richie the vegan began the task of turning his head. He could for some vegan food right now. OH WAIT HE TOUCHED MILK FUCK THAT’S AN ANIMAL PRODU- 

Oh look it's Eddie."Oh hi mr spaghetti manz, do you wanna go cleanse our souls from touching malk & grab some vegan food." In Richie's head, that was a perfectly reasonable sentence. What came out however was a mumbling of the words "spaghetti m.. cleanse our souls from milfk...like milfs and milk together….i fuck moms with milk…..like dairy…..cos derry dairy" 

Eddie was in the process of calling 0800 118 800 00008 then realized he's an idiot and that's the wrong number but give him a break he's under some stress. 

Richie saw a flying car coming in through the door. This was not a hallucination. The car literally crashed through the door. Either the siren was on or his spaghetti milk friend grew elongated lungs thanks to that one forbidden procedure and screamed really loudly, which was unlikely because of his asthma that was lowkey faker than his heterosexuality. 

Now, his brain might be only half-working, but he for one was sure that this was a cause for some (gay) panic. 

"EDDIE MR SPAGET NO I LOVE YOU BUT I LOVE MY ORGANS MORE I'M SORRY I HAVE TO SAVE THEM FOR CLOWN DADDY, YOU CAN BE MY NOODLE DADDY THO" this internal scream too, became more of a mumbled mess as he passed out. 

He thinks he sees the figure of Eddie passing out. Probably from shock that he just sold his friend out to the government. 

Richie's last coherent thought was an imaginary scenario where he flips off a milk carton, followed by himself saying - in his head - "lmao rip". 

WELP that's the end, they're both fuggin passed out. Probably dreaming of each other because they are so gay it actually hurts also Richie mayhaps be dead please help him for the love of fu-

**Author's Note:**

> Well that sure was something.  
> Don't act like you haven't been blessed.  
> also we have a wholesome jack dylan grazer cult.  
> https://discord.gg/JAccbPT  
> join us.


End file.
